Resentment and Boundaries are Linked

Feeling resentful? You may have chosen the discomfort of resentment over the discomfort of setting a boundary.

Before saying yes to someone’s request or invitation, ask yourself whether you’ll feel resentful afterwards. If you agree to do something that makes you feel resentful, own your choice. Take responsibility for how you feel. This isn’t about blame, but about honoring your power in your own life.

Boundaries let people know how, when, and to what degree they can be in relationship with you. Are there certain conditions in which you could say yes to the request without feeling resentful? If so, your boundary may sound like one of the following statements:

“I would need to be compensated X amount.”

“I have two hours available but not four.”

“I can do that next week, but not today.”

If you’re not sure yet where your boundary is, you can buy yourself some time by saying, “I’ll get back to you.”

As you start setting boundaries, some people may push back on them, but others will welcome them. Imagine that you were in their shoes. Would you want a friend to say yes to every request you make, at the expense of their own wellbeing, while secretly building resentment? Or would you rather they let you know what their capacity truly is at that time?

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? There can be many different reasons why it’s especially difficult for some of us. As a child, you may not have witnessed clear and healthy boundary-setting in the home. Codependence and people-pleasing may have been what your caregivers modeled. Or it could have been dangerous to set boundaries due to physical or emotional abuse. In those childhood circumstances, not voicing boundaries was an adaptive, effective survival strategy. However, once you’re an adult in a safe environment and are trying to build healthy, reciprocal relationships, that survival strategy is no longer helpful.

EMDR for Trauma

Photo by Mario Dobelmann

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an evidenced-based technique for treating trauma that is both somatic (working with body sensations) and cognitive (working with thoughts). EMDR uses “bilateral stimulation,” which can be visual, auditory or tactile stimulation in a rhythmic side to side pattern. Bilateral stimulation, in conjunction with other elements of EMDR, can help you to reprocess traumas so that the memories are less distressing and less disruptive to your life.

Traumatic memories are often stored in the brain as though they are:

1. happening right now, rather than moving to long term memory as time passes. This contributes to a visceral response telling you to fight, flee or freeze, even if you are no longer in danger.

2. fragmented, like having a few puzzle pieces but not the full picture.

3. connected with negative beliefs about yourself, such as “it’s my fault,” “I’m unloveable,” or “I’m helpless.”

EMDR addresses each of these issues, helping you to experience those memories as events that are in the past, have context, and are no longer connected to negative beliefs about yourself.

Johann Hari on Addiction and Connection

If you or someone close to you have struggled with addiction, you know how much pain, isolation and shame can come along with it. As journalist Johann Hari highlights, isolation and shame tend to make addiction stronger, yet public policies have often focused on further isolating and shaming people experiencing addiction. Hari asserts that providing opportunities for people to reconnect with their communities, to work, and to be of service to others can help promote self-esteem and recovery.

I highly recommend Hari’s book Lost Connections for those wanting to better understand the relationship between connection and addiction. The video below gives an introduction to the topic.

After watching the video, I invite you to ask yourself in what ways your life is similar to “rat park,” and in what ways your life is similar to the empty cage. Whether you are experiencing addiction or not, what might make your life more like rat park?

Why Breathing Works

Have you ever wondered why therapists recommend breathing exercises? Some people enjoy breathing exercises right away, while for others, “take a deep breath” has become a cliche that they’d rather not hear. What most people have in common, though, is that they have not been informed of the science behind why breathing techniques work.

Autonomic Nervous System

The autonomic nervous system regulates involuntary processes in our bodies such as our heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, perspiration, respiration (breath), and much more. Breath is different than the other processes mentioned, in that it can be both involuntary and voluntary. If we’re not thinking about our breathing, we will still breathe automatically. However, we can also alter and control our breath by focusing our attention on it. Breath is our key to intentionally influencing the rest of the autonomic nervous system. By using our attention to slow down our breath, we also automatically lower our heart rate and blood pressure.

Fight, Flight or Freeze

The oldest part of our brain, the amygdala, is designed to help us survive threats in the wild. If a lion were after us, our amygdala would kick into action and prompt us to either attack the lion (fight), run (flight), or hide/play dead (freeze). In order to fight or flee, we automatically breath faster to get more oxygen quickly to our muscles. In order to hide or play dead, we automatically hold our breath longer than we normally would. These are very effective strategies when faced with life threatening, short term danger. However, many of the stressors in modern life are not imminently life threatening, and many are not short term. And when the amygdala is in charge, the parts of the brain that help us to use logic and good judgment are taken offline. If you are having a problem at work or need to have a hard conversation, chances are that you would benefit from being able to access those other parts of your brain. By using our breath to access our autonomic nervous system, we can signal to our bodies that we are safe enough for the amygdala to take a back seat.

Vagus Nerve

The vagus nerve is important for understanding the above processes. It is the longest cranial nerve, stretching from the brainstem all the way down to the intestines and colon, and communicating with most organs in the body. There is a lot of promising research on different functions of the vagus nerve which I won’t go in to here. For our purposes, it’s helpful to know that the vagus nerve wraps around parts of our digestive system, so when we breathe deeply in to our low belly (as opposed to higher in our chest) and feel our abdomen expand, the vagus nerve is moving along with it. The vagus nerve then sends signals to other organs and activates a relaxation response across the body.

Want to give it a try? Try breathing in to your belly for a count of 4, holding for a count of 4, and then exhaling as if you’re blowing through a straw for a count of 8. And again: 4, 4, 8. See what you notice.

If it’s still not your thing, that’s totally fine. But if you see the benefits, I have good news: breath is a tool that is with you for the rest of your life, wherever you go, and whatever you face.

Communication Styles

The way we communicate can make or break our relationships not only with others but with ourselves. Luckily, communication skills can be taught, practiced, and strengthened. There are four main types of communication styles: passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, and assertive. Most people use all of these communication styles at various points, but generally tend towards one or two of them. The following hypothetical scenarios paint a picture of each communication style.

Imagine this: You walk in to your shared kitchen and see that the sink is completely full of dirty dishes that aren’t yours. You don’t like the mess and don’t want to clean all of it up. You’re frustrated. Do you:

A) do the dishes and say nothing. Your family/roommates/colleagues have no idea that you are upset, and they don’t change their behavior. Meanwhile, your resentment builds up more and more. If this pattern continues, it may lead to an angry outburst down the line. In addition, if you habitually don’t express your needs, you may experience increased feelings of isolation and depression. This is an example of passive communication.

B) 1. do the dishes and say nothing, but slam cabinets the whole time. Your family/roommates/colleagues might wonder if you’re upset about something, but they can’t be sure how you feel or what you want. Your needs continue to go unmet. This is an example of passive-aggressive communication.

B) 2. say, “Wow, looks like I’ll be washing all the dishes again…” Your family/roommates/colleagues might catch the hint that you’re unhappy about the situation, but your statement was vague and they’re not sure. This is another example of passive-aggressive communication.

C) yell, “You guys are so lazy and selfish! Get in here and clean your dishes!” You definitely expressed what you want, but the name calling turned it in to an attack on their character and the yelling may have triggered their “fight/flight/freeze” response. They are likely to become defensive, which will reduce the chances that they’ll do what you want them to do. In addition, your relationship with them may become strained. This is an example of aggressive communication.

D) say, “I’m feeling frustrated and I’d really like some help with the dishes.” Now your family/roommates/colleagues know exactly how you’re feeling and what you want. You kept it focused on the issue rather than making it personal. Chances are pretty good that they’ll respond well and pitch in. While you can’t control other people’s reactions, this approach tends to have the most success. It also helps maintain strong relationships. This is an example of assertive communication.

If you’re having trouble figuring out how to address an issue using assertive communication, this blueprint can be helpful: “When you ______ (specific behavior), I feel ______ (emotion word).” If it feels clunky and awkward at first, that’s totally normal! Assertiveness training can be likened to athletic training: as you gain more practice, you’ll make it your own and it will feel more natural.

Good luck! Now get out there and communicate!

Post-Traumatic Growth

Most of us have heard of post-traumatic stress, but have you heard of post-traumatic growth?

While “post-traumatic stress disorder” (PTSD) is the official term used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, I prefer the term “post-traumatic stress injury.” Injuries are what naturally happen when we get hurt. And with proper care, injuries heal.

Post-traumatic growth occurs when a person not only recovers from trauma, but EXCEEDS the level of functioning and satisfaction they had prior to the trauma. Several different factors can contribute to post-traumatic growth. For one, in pursuing healing for their trauma, they may also find help with improving other areas of their lives. In addition, the huge strength they show during their healing journey can spotlight for them just how much they are capable of. Finally, the experience they’ve been through can equip them to better understand others who are suffering and to be of service.

The potential for post-traumatic growth does not excuse abuse or justify trauma. It does not mean traumatic events “happen for a reason,” as only the trauma survivor can make meaning of their experience. What it does mean is that there is life after trauma, there is hope after trauma, and there can be incredible beauty and resilience after trauma. I have seen it with my own eyes, and it is my hope for every survivor.